Monthly Archives: October 2014

Trust (Part 3) – Self-compassion, Accountability and Cultivating Self-Trust

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“I accept 100% accountability for this soul.” – Elizabeth Gilbert

For every lesson, there is a test…

A strange thing happens when you decide to write about self-trust. You get tested to make sure you know what you are talking about.

I set out to talk about self-compassion and ended up with a week of the flu while taking care of an even sicker child.

I set out to talk about accountability and ended up having to back out of a commitment to play on the worship team because of above illness.

I set out to write about self-trust and found myself plagued by unusually intense levels of self-doubt and uncertainty.

What gives?

The thing is, trust, whether in the divine, yourself or others comes at a cost.

You will be tested.

Albert Schweitzer says,  “Anyone who proposes to do good must not expect people to roll stones out of his way, but must accept his lot calmly, even if they roll a few stones upon it.”

Don’t expect the red carpet to be rolled out for you just because you decide to do the right thing.

So let’s start at the beginning…

 

Self-compassion, the Bedrock of Self-Trust:

Last week, I talked about embracing Divine Love as the foundation of trusting God. I believe the same is true about self-trust. You can’t trust someone who neither cares about you nor has your best interests at heart.

Similarly, you can’t trust yourself if you don’t have your best interests at heart.

In order to believe you have your best interests at heart, you have to believe that you love yourself.

Enter Self-compassion.

Dr. Kristin Neff’s work on self compassion is a key component of wholeheartedness. Self compassion is made up of three parts – Self kindness, Common humanity and mindfulness.

“Self-compassion entails being warm and understanding toward ourselves when we suffer, fail, or feel inadequate, rather than ignoring our pain or flagellating ourselves with self-criticism.”

We choose to speak kindly and gently to ourselves when we fall short of our ideals. We embrace our imperfections. We let go of the frustration from not getting what we want. We treat ourselves lovingly and patiently, we treat ourselves as worthy and valuable.

Common humanity recognizes that we are not alone in the struggle. We are not isolated. There are others going through similar experiences and we can connect with them. We are not weirdos for going through hard times. Tests and trials, mistakes and failures happen to everyone. So we breathe more deeply and treat ourselves lovingly and kindly.

With Mindfulness, we choose to be present with our feelings. Not over-identifying with them and not ignoring them. By placing our situations into perspective, we can observe that they are not any different from what other people go through. Instead of being swept away by negative emotions, we stay present, open and non-judgmental.

So, having self compassion is critical for having our best interests at heart, and this fosters self-trust.

 

Accountability – You have been Entrusted with Treasure. Trust yourself and Use them:

Here is the thing:  we have been entrusted by God with gifts, talents and opportunities. You don’t give treasures to someone you don’t trust or love.

God trusts us. And we have been equipped to use this treasure, with our own personal flair, to have a positive impact in the world and glorify God.

So,  why don’t we trust ourselves to do what God trusts us to do?

I have decided to accept responsibility for my life. I am not a victim. No one is to blame for my inability to show up and use what I have been given.  I accept responsibility for the gifts, talents and opportunities I have been entrusted with.

“You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world.” – Marianne Williamson

It is true. I am not doing you any favors by hoarding my gifts, hiding my light, being timid and playing small.

Same goes for you, my friend.

I think about how I feel when I give my children gifts. I want my daughters to use the gifts I have given them. I want them to be enjoy and  confidently play with the gifts I have given them. I want to hear them squeal with glee as they play.

I want to see them out in the world.  Confidently. Not holding on to my skirts, but trusting that they have been trained with the skills and knowledge they need to navigate the world, use what they have,  show up as their best selves and have a positive impact in the world.

I believe this is how God sees us. We are to go out into the world, with the gifts and abilities we have been given and serve others, make a positive impact in the world to God’s glory.

“But Yvonne, it’s too late for me. I haven’t used my gifts, I haven’t even developed them! Why should I start now?”

Well, yes, not using your gifts might be why you lack confidence in them. You don’t trust yourself to use them well. Understandably so.

First, You have to unwrap the gift, take it out of the box and just tinker with it. You don’t expect to become an expert guitar player right off the bat!

Now, Self trust does not mean isolation, navel gazing or doing everything alone and not depending on others or asking for help. It is a practice, often in community. Sometimes you need help. Sometimes you need company or an avenue of service.  We all need accountability.

Take some time to develop your gifts, invest time, maybe some money… But after a while, you will have to jump out there and jam, not spend all that time shuffling your feet, making excuses and doubting yourself.

And as you practice, you become surer, you trust yourself more.

 

Developing  Self Trust – Doing the work again and again

“I have tuned and trained myself to be the best tool for the work I have to do.” Thea Alvin, Stone Mason

So how do we cultivate self-trust?

1. Train yourself. Practice Self inquiry. Do the work. Develop your gifts. Spend time getting to know who you are. Not what others have told you but who you have found yourself to be, then you begin to change how you see yourself. You understand and value yourself and out of this will come value for others 0 you can’t give what you can’t get.

2. Show up for yourself. Keep the agreements and promises you have made to yourself. It’s funny, we will nearly break ourselves to keep agreements we have made to others but are unwilling to keep those we’ve made to ourselves. When you treat yourself well, you pay attention to what makes you tick… what lights you up. What makes you happy? You begin to notice what doesn’t light you up, what doesn’t feel good. Set those healthy boundaries.

3. Speak kindly to yourself.  Watch the self talk.. Research has shown that our brain-wiring is affected by what we say to ourselves. Accept yourself.

4. Be mindful. Be fully present. Listen. Unplug, cut out the distractions and get quiet.  Meditate. Meditation teaches us to focus on the silence, it helps us develop discernment which we need to pay attention to the gut,  listen to intuition, listen to the Holy spirit, become in tune with our instincts, hear the call. Clarity.

5. Defy Perfectionism. It robs us of our dreams and destinies… Defy it. Keep showing up. Embrace consistency and  imperfection. Choose courage. Be vulnerable. Allow yourself to be seen as you are, imperfectly.

6. Practice Self-Care.  You take care of those you love. Think about love languages – we often think about using it on others but we need to think about using it on ourselves…  Mine are words of affirmation and quality time.

So, how do I treat myself with love? I have to spend time alone… Solitude is critical for my self-care… I need time to meditate, write, wander, muse… Without that alone time, my fuse is really short. I am learning to speak kindly and speak words of affirmation to myself…

What’s your love language? Yours might involve doing fun things for yourself- knit that scarf, cook a meal,  long walks, gardening, dancing, sleeping in, calling a friend…

 

7. Practice Self-forgiveness. Forgive Yourself for the times you have betrayed yourself or put your self in situations that did not align with your values such as  getting in debt, allowing people to treat you a certain way, compromising your values, lying.  Forgive yourself for quitting that dream, pretending to be someone you are not, giving away your power.

Here’s the thing…

You will make mistakes. The goal is to cultivate trust. This takes time.

It means Practice, trying again and again.

Make that decision. If it’s the wrong one, God will guide you back to the right one.  Life is filled with redemption, second, third and fourth chances.

The key is to keep walking on the path, keep showing up, even imperfectly…

If you are worried about the cost of doing all of this work, consider the consequences of not cultivating self-trust – constantly waffling, paralyzed by indecision, giving away your power, people-pleasing, anxiety, lost dreams, inauthenticity… Living a life that is not aligned with your ideals. (and we know the consequences of that!)

Choosing to cultivate self trust means many commitments…

We treat ourselves  the way we would treat a very good friend… We keep our agreements… If we  say we’ll do something, we do it.

It means I don’t betray myself. Then I will be able to trust myself, that I mean what I say and say what I mean.

I will be able to trust that I will be there for me – and not give my voice and power away to someone else.

I will able to trust myself to enforce my boundaries…

I will be able to watch out for myself and take care of myself. I will be able to reach out for help when I need it.

When the Holy Spirit speaks, I will trust myself to do the right thing, listen and obey.

That’s right, I trust myself. And so will you!

 

Cultivating  Self-Trust:

1. Do you trust yourself?

2. In what ways have you betrayed yourself? In what ways do you need to forgive yourself?

3. What is your love language? In what ways can you practice self-compassion today?

4. Whom can you enlist to hold you accountable?

5. In what what ways can you get in tune with your inner voice, with the Holy Spirit, your intuition?

6. What relationships are robbing you of your power? In what ways can you reclaim your voice?

7. What practices resonate with you? Share below!

You have been entrusted by God with many gifts. Now it’s time to trust yourself and do what you have been called to do with them!

Yvonne Whitelaw writes for Yvonnewhitelaw.com where she blogs about her quest to grow into her ideals in her “Live Your Ideals Project”. By sharing her lessons along the way (every Monday and Thursday), she hopes to serve and inspire a tribe of wholehearted warriors like you, to “live your ideals, live your calling and change the world.”

 

Trust (Part 2) – Worry, Surrender and Embracing Divine Love

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“If you are going to pray, pray. If you are going to worry, worry. But you can’t do both.” – 50 cent

Out of Love comes Trust:

Here’s a thought that changed my life – “God Loves Me.”

A few years ago, I had my first realization that God loves me. I had heard this fact my entire life.

But.

I noticed that even though I knew I was loved by God, I kept forgetting about that Love. I had trouble trusting that God would be there for me. I had trouble trusting God had my back and would provide for me.

I defended myself, hustled for worthiness, tried to fit in, make others love me.  Then I came to the realization that all of this stemmed from not fully embracing God’s love.

And I became a mother…

There I was, a mere mortal, loving with a new, fierce unrelenting love… Wanting to give my children every good thing, willing to do anything to see my children healthy, abundant, joyful, fulfilled… As a mother, my love knows no bounds…

So, imagine an infinite God with limitless love, who loves you with an eternal, fierce and unrelenting love.

God deeply loves you. Pure, all-encompassing Love…

Unconditional, deep, ever-present…

The Love was there all along… I just needed to accept it.

I have a nightly gratitude practice. So for several weeks, I added a new practice of thanking God for loving me.

After spending months meditating on God’s love, I now realize something.

I am God’s spoiled brat. You are too!

Yes, God has spoiled me rotten… I just didn’t see it…  By acknowledging this Love and looking for things to be grateful for, I find that I have been blessed beyond my wildest dreams.

Think about it. If you loved someone, how would you treat them? Think about someone you truly loved…

You give them gifts, spend time with them, say kind things to them, do things for them and touch them… (all 5 love languages).  You constantly look for ways to show that you care.

I believe that God feels this way about us. We just need to pay attention. It is why I keep a gratitude journal and write 15 things I am grateful for every night.

I believe there are proofs, samples of God’s love around us… That sunrise, that surprise check in the mail, that kind stranger.

A key component of love is trust. If you know that someone loves you, truly loves you and that they are willing to do anything for you,  you trust them.

And with trust comes surrender…

Surrender – True manifestation of trust

How would you know that you truly trusted someone? Would you second-guess them? Cross-examine them?

Surrender is a core spiritual practice for me.

It is my desire to live completely and utterly abandoned to God.

This decision has changed how I show up in the world. I don’t have to be defensive, strive for worthiness, or worry (Well, I do occasionally! I am human! )

And apparently I am not alone.

Over the past few days, I have heard one recurring theme in  several  stories  from friends who don’t know one another.

Each friend decided to trust Divine providence. Each decided to trust God, trust the inklings, the still small voice, pack up all their belonging with very little money and travel across the country to a new state, where neither family, nor shelter awaited.

And each relocation worked out well beyond expectations.

Sometimes I wonder why the creed “In God, we trust” is  inscribed on the dollar.

Since money is directly related to our sustenance and ties in  deeply with our self-preservation… some of us hold on to money tightly,  lose control over perceived or real shortage, lose trust in providence…

…to our detriment.

I am there right now. This blog is a new venture.  I have no idea how things will end up or where this will take me.

I only know that for some reason, as much as I tried to avoid it and keep up with my peers, my path always seems to be winding a different way. Going left when my peers are veering right.

And it feels right.

I choose to trust God and surrender to the path unfolding before me. Showing up moment by moment, choosing courage, choosing to walk by faith.

What do you do when your circumstances dictate one way and you know that God is leading you another way?

Do you trust the Creator of the Universe, the Provider of all things, the One who knows the desires you haven’t even verbalized  to take care of you?

I am not talking about dogma or religion. We are beyond that. I don’t have all the answers. This is bigger than that little box we feel the need to check and stuff God into.  I share what is true for me and hope it serves you in any way.

Imagine having to carry a huge load of rocks on your back, when there is truck right next to you!

Not surrendering to the Divine is like carrying an unnecessary burden… It hurts no one but you.

It’s like a life guard rescuing a drowning swimmer. That swimmer has to surrender and stop fighting in order to be rescued.  It’s like that trust exercise in team development – falling back, trusting the others will catch you.

Things might not be the way you want them to be. But you don’t know the whole picture. The Divine, God is always working… especially behind the scenes, like the tangled strings behind a beautiful tapestry…

Be rest assured today. Just as surely as the sun will rise tomorrow morning, you will be taken care of.

But (Wow, I am really quoting 50cent!) “you can’t worry and pray at the same time.”

Choosing Prayer over Worry:

I fret because I don’t trust God to have my back.

Surrender doesn’t not mean giving up or cowering in fear and defeat. It is choosing to look up, courageously letting go of the need to control everything and trusting in the Power that holds the Universe together.

It’s saying “Help me! Please!”

A few months ago, I had a little zit between my eyes. Tired, right before bed,   I began to pick at it, compulsively. I went to bed. When I woke up the next morning, I had a huge black dot between my eyes. I had scarred my face. And To this day I still have that large round dot between my eyes, A sober reminder to “surrender, not fret. ”

We scar ourselves when we worry.

We are saying “hey God, I got this… I don’t trust you to handle this issue.”

I believe that cultivating trust in God is a non-negotiable step in cultivating trust. Only when you trust God can you begin to trust and love yourself. and then, others.  All of which I will talk about next time.

I will leave with one of my favorite verses “Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything by prayer and petition with thanksgiving, present your requests to God.”  – Phil 4: 17

Instead of worrying, try spend some time connecting with God and talking about your concerns.

And then Let it all go.

You will be fine.

Cultivating Trust in the Divine: 

1. What worries you?

2. Do you trust God? What steps  can you take right now to trust God more?

3. What gets in the way of that trust?

4. Have you ever experienced providence?

5. What would it take for you to surrender?

6. Do you have a spiritual practice that includes prayer?

7. Do you feel loved by God? Do you see signs of that love around you? Start a gratitude journal.

 

Surrendering is the key to trusting the Divine… It sis saying, I know you will take care of me, I trust you to carry me throught this situation, I trust you to be ther for me. provide for me, protect me. I trust. you.

Yvonne Whitelaw writes for Yvonnewhitelaw.com where she blogs about her quest to grow into her ideals in her “Live Your Ideals Project”. By sharing her lessons along the way (every Monday and Thursday), she hopes to serve and inspire a tribe of wholehearted warriors like you, to “live your ideals, live your calling and change the world.”