“Let today be the day you learn the grace of letting go and the power of moving on.” – Steve Maraboli
Grace…
This is one of the most challenging ideals I have faced so far… Over the last few posts, we have explored different facets of grace – all from a receptive posture.
For the past few days, I have been thinking about Grace in a different way… being a giver of grace, rather than a receiver.
How do we respond when someone has unintentionally offended us or harmed us? How do we respond to the mistakes of others? What do you do when someone falls short, shows their flaws for all to see or betrays you?
There’s the easy route…
Judgment… Condemnation… Derision… Snark…
Write off and shut them down… Cut them off…
Or…
Forgiveness… Compassion… Grace…
Sometimes it’s hard to forgive. We are called to forgive Seventy times seven times but that seems impossible.
Then, there’s the expression from Maya Angelou “When people show you who they really are, believe them and run.”
By all means, when someone is intentionally and habitually offensive and harmful, enforce those boundaries.
But.
Those who fall short, who mistakenly, unintentionally wrong us and are repentant, deserve a second chance. Even a third or fourth…
We have all experienced grace in many forms… and to complete the cycle, we need to extend grace to others.
The thing is, we have all fallen short of the ideals we hold dear.
I have hurt others, and sometimes, I didn’t even know I offended them… Other times I have beaten myself up over an offense I thought I had committed, only to find out the person wasn’t offended. That was such a relief! But I wished I had confessed, apologized and sought forgiveness sooner – I would have found out there was nothing to forgive…
Other times, I hurt others deeply and apologized, but was not forgiven. When I have sought forgiveness and received it, it has been such a healing to my soul.
It is with this lens of grace that we ought to view others who fall short in our lives.
We look at the person with compassion. Compassion means “to suffer with…” Like Stephen Covey says, “Seek first to understand than to be Understood.” We empathetically put ourselves in the other person’s shoes. We try to understand where they are coming from. And then, forgive.
It feels good to bear a grudge. We want to punish others for the wrong they have done. But somewhere along the line, that enjoyment transforms into a noose. We die a slow death through unforgiveness. Unforgiveness becomes a prison and the prisoner is not the person who offended you. No, the prisoner is you!
And this is what I am learning. I have to extend grace to others. I need to apply grace periods to my relationships with others and with myself.
When others do not meet my expectations, instead of immediately cutting them off, I want to view them with eyes of compassion, forgive them and extend their grace periods. I know that those who truly value the relationship will appreciate and respect the grace periods and repent if necessary.
“But Yvonne, what about those who keep offending me again and again?”
Yes, it can be frustrating when people intentionally and habitually let you down. This is what boundaries are for and you practice self-compassion when you enforce them.
I think bringing this awareness to our relationships is important – we need to remember that we fall short just as often as the others. I will inadvertently make a mistake. And I hope that I will be forgiven. And I hope that I can exercise self-compassion and forgive myself too.
Life can be challenging. But being surrounded by those who love you and are willing to believe the best about you and extend grace to you, can make life sweet in the middle of all the pain and suffering that comes our way. The burdens feel so much lighter when shared with others who chose forgiveness and compassion instead of condemnation and judgment.
This is how I want to live. What about you?
Cultivating Grace and extending it to Others:
1. When have you extended grace to others? How did it feel?
2. In what ways can you practice compassion with those who offend you?
3. What grudges are you still nursing?
4. What would forgiveness look like for you?
5. What relationships do you need to apply grace periods to ?
6. In what ways do you need to practice self-compassion and forgive yourself?
7. Whom can you enlist to hold you accountable in your practice of extending grace to others?
We have all committed offenses, hurt others and fallen short of the ideals we hold dear. Knowing this, we can recognize our flawed selves reflected in our relationships. When others offend, hurt, or betray us, remembering our boundaries while exercising grace is a skill that comes with practice. I hope you will practice self-compassion as you (initially) awkwardly try to master extending grace to others. WE ALL STUMBLE, but we are here to help pick one another up. See you next time!
Yvonne Whitelaw writes for Yvonnewhitelaw.com where she blogs about her quest to grow into her ideals in her “Live Your Ideals Project”. By sharing her Daily Haikus and lessons along the way (every Monday and Thursday), she hopes to serve and inspire a tribe of wholehearted humanitarians, visionaries and idealists like you, to “live your ideals, live your calling and change the world.”