“It is better to be at the bottom of the ladder you want to climb than the top of one you don’t.” – Stephen Kellogg
The Betrayal begins with you
Trust – “one in which confidence is placed, belief that someone or something is reliable, good, honest, effective, as a condition of some relationship (2) : something committed or entrusted to one to be used or cared for in the interest of another, dependence on something future or contingent; assured reliance on the character, ability, strength, or truth of someone or something.” – Merriam-Webster Dictionary
Like most Americans, I have spent my life following the rules, chasing “the American Dream – a set of ideals in which freedom includes the opportunity for prosperity and success, and an upward social mobility achieved through hard work.”
Being an immigrant means taking attaining “the American dream” to a stratospheric level! Most immigrants come to America to exceed all expectations of ”life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness”. That usually means you have 4 or 5 options to consider as occupations.
Doctor. Lawyer. Architect. Accountant. Engineer.
Understandably so.
Many go through tragedies, hardships and untold suffering to reach the United States. Financial security and success is of the utmost importance. At all costs, one must attain the upward social mobility and assimilation many desire, and be able to afford better opportunities and lives for the next generation.
The thing is, we sometimes hold these dreams so tightly that we are willing to sacrifice our ideals, our core values for the dreams we want. We betray our own trust as a result. And we allow our trust to be usurped by those who hold the promise of our dreams.
This is self-betrayal.
Things get sssslippery with the Stockholm syndrome:
“Trusssst in me… Jusssst in me,
Close your eyessss, Trusssst in me… ”
(the Python’s Song) – Kaa, the Snake
– Rudyard Kipling, The Jungle Book
First, the self-betrayal. We tell these lies to ourselves to rationalize the abuse we take for our dreams. We betray ourselves, our ideals, our loved ones… Then, pretending like things are okay when they aren’t. Hiding in shame. Wearing masks.
I have been thinking a lot about Stockholm syndrome… “a form of traumatic bonding, which describes “strong emotional ties that develop between two persons where one person intermittently harasses, beats, threatens, abuses, or intimidates the other. The victim irrationally has positively feelings for the perpetrator including empathy and sympathy to the point of identifying with them, defending them or refusing to testify against them. “
Stockholm Syndrome gives you a false sense of the loyalty and belonging… you feel honored for being chosen. You are special.You have been conferred with the honor of being selected – surely they are doing you a favor with the abuse.
Saying great things about the abusive bosses and work situations, we defend them, rationalizing their behavior… We think “perhaps if I perform better they would be nicer…” And when they occasionally refrain from abuse, we see it as a form of kindness…
We award our trust to the undeserving…
The fatal allure of The poisoned chalice
Then the rewards come…
That beautiful, mysterious, powerful poisoned chalice arrives and we thirstily drink… so desperate for approval, so deprived of affection…
We drink…
Power. Status. Acclaim. Fame. Money.
The poisoned chalice we drink is “a scheme or instrument for causing death or harm, especially one which eventually brings about the downfall of its creator; something which is initially regarded as advantageous but which is later recognized to be disadvantageous or harmful. something that harms the person it is given to although it seemed very good when they first got it.”
So, you drink the chalice.
What is your poisoned chalice? What compromises do you regret? What dreams have you buried?
What disconnects us from our ideals? What disconnects us from our inner compasses? What makes us comfortable with being exploited and taken for granted?
No wonder you feel drained. No wonder you feel as if you are dying. No wonder you have insomnia, the palpitations, the panic attacks.
You are being poisoned.
Thankfully, there is an antidote.
The Antidote – Trust as a foundation for Healthy Boundaries
We join the rat race hoping to get somewhere. But, we are stuck in the hamster wheel, running, wearing ourselves out.
But you can choose to stop. This moment.
In life, suffering is inevitable. But I have decided I would rather suffer doing something I love than doing something I don’t.
“I would rather be at the bottom of the ladder doing something I love, that at the top doing something I don’t”…
No, I am not asking you to quit the job. But I am asking you to stop mentally.
Re-discover your why. What are your core ideals? What is important to you? Why are you taking the abuse? How are you rationalizing the madness?
In Boundaries, Henry Cloud talks about the reversal of boundaries among those who have been violated or exploited. They keep the bad in and the good out. In healthy relationships, boundaries keep the good people in and the bad out.
In order to maintain healthy boundaries, one has to become very acquainted with one’s value and have a strong foundation of supportive relationships. Then one can have a solid footing to remove the unhealthy toxic relationships for their lives.
Spend some time getting reacquainted with yourself. Get to know yourself again – get connected with your values, your hopes, your dreams… Get reacquainted with your Creator. Ask for help and support from healthy friends.
When you have a strong footing, dig deep and commit to cultivating trust in all your relationships. This will mean letting go of toxic relationships and settings. Trust that the Divine will take care of you!
Cultivating Trust:
1.In whom do you trust? Do you trust yourself?
2. Whose life are you living? Are you pursuing your own dreams?
3. What dreams have you buried? What dreams have you discarded?
4. Do you identify with any parts of Stockholm syndrome?
5. What do you need? Can you identify your antidote? Can you list Your core ideals?
6. From what poisoned chalice are you drinking? What red flags are you ignoring?
7. Whom can you enlist in your quest to find your own ladder?
Trust the Divine. Trust yourself. And trust healthy others. Cultivating this trust helps sharpen the intuition and discernment necessary to live your ideals, live your calling and change the world. Dare to trust! See you next time!