“We are all travelers in the wilderness of this world, and the best we can find in our travels is an honest friend.” ― Robert Louis Stevenson
Honesty is one of my favorite ideals.
When I was younger, I often got in trouble for my earnestness. Sometimes, I didn’t have to say a word. My face usually said it all.
The quote “Honesty is the best policy” by the beloved Benjamin Franklin has become a license for some to say whatever they want, whenever and however they feel like it. In the past, before choosing to a wholehearted life, I have been known to say “I’m just being honest” and “I just tell it like it is.
We declare that we are “plainspoken” or “brutally honest” with gusto and bravado as half-hearted attempts to express authenticity while hoping to be taken seriously.
We overshare on social media, ranting and raving, each trying to outdo the other with so-called truth-telling. Flashing our badges of honor with good intentions but…
It doesn’t quite work out, does it?
The thing is, life can be complicated. Conflict can be quite tricky with the ones you love. There is more at stake with those closest to you. The ones closest to you have the greatest capacity to hurt you, wound you deeply, betray you…
Is it any wonder that we cringe and brace ourselves for the worst when we hear someone start with”To be brutally honest…” Intuitively, we know, we are about to get hit.
Brutal honesty does not work.
Honesty is derived from the word “honor” and means truthfulness, sincerity, frankness. Honor – “respect, high esteem.” Brutality – “savage, physical cruelty”(M-W Dictionary)
I think we focus so much on the “truth” part, which is quite necessary, we forget the “honor” part.
Brutal truth without the honor, without allowing someone their dignity as you tell the truth is cruel and insensitive.This isn’t about saying what you think the person wants to hear. It is telling the truth with grace, respect, sensitivity and honor.
Brutality is violent, shaming and toxic. Most of the brutal honesty is a mask for vulnerability. You don’t want to be perceived as weak. You don’t want to get hurt. The emotions might be too raw so the brutality takes the edge off.
Sometimes, we maul the ones we love with our brutal honesty.
When a conversation results in shame, you can expect one of 3 “shame shields” if the recipient has not done work on shame resilience (Brene Brown). The person will either lash out (moving against), withdraw (moving away) or people-please (move toward). When you see this happen, you will know something is amiss.
No, you are not responsible for the person’s response. You are responsible for how you deliver the message. There are many ways to communicate an idea. How you choose to do so is up to you.
This has been a tough challenge for me. I dislike conflict. I worry about hurting others with the truth. In my pre-wholehearted life, I would do everything to avoid conflict. I admit that because I had a history of ruminating over my emotions, thinking them through, trying to decipher what went wrong, cull inherent lessons or mull how to deal with an issue.
I could go a long time without addressing an issue and then suddenly it would become too much. Then I would address it and my response would seem to have come out of nowhere.
So I swung in the opposite direction. I began trying to tell it like it is… New skills, awkward handling of new tools… Blasting out truth bombs here and there, leaving a trail of tears in my wake. I have since learned that truth-telling is a skill. And as with everything else, practice makes perfect.
I have spent the past few years learning how to address conflict in a healthy way. I sometimes make mistakes but this is an area in my life I am determined to master. I spent too many years simmering in resentment rather than addressing conflict.
Yes, I did swing too far to the other side. But I am determined. I am learning to do so with love. Choosing to honor the person I am addressing. Choosing love and respect over disdain and contempt. I am choosing courage over fear.
Choosing to try again and again.
How about you?
Everyone deserves to be treated with honor and dignity.
Same goes for you. You deserve to be treated with love and respect. Next week, we will talk about what happens when you are on the receiving end of someone’s brutal honesty.
However, I truly believe that everyone is doing the best they can with what they have.
As wholehearted warriors, it is up to us to break the dysfunctional cycles. It is up to us to choose the high road. Wholeheartedness entails speaking your truth, with courage, vulnerability and purpose.
It means apologizing when necessary.
It means being intentional with your words. Choosing courage. Choosing vulnerability. Really showing up and allowing your true emotions to be seen. Risking sensitivity. Choosing authenticity.
“Whoever is careless with the truth in small matters cannot be trusted with important matters” ― Albert Einstein
Honesty is still the best policy. How you practice it is up to you. How will you cultivate honesty today?
Practicing Honesty:
1. On what part of the spectrum are you? Brutal honesty or Dancing around the truth? Or telling the truth with grace.
2. In what ways have you been brutal to others?
3. Can you forgive yourself?
4. Is there anyone to whom you need to apologize?
5. How can you practice wholehearted honesty today?
6. Is the brutal honesty masking your vulnerability? What would happen if you really expressed how you felt?
7. In what ways do you need to break the cycle?
Think about it. Leave your answers in the comments below! See you next week!
Yvonne Whitelaw writes for Yvonnewhitelaw.com where she blogs about her quest to grow into her ideals in her “Live Your Ideals Project”. By sharing her lessons along the way (every Monday and Thursday), she hopes to serve and inspire a tribe of wholehearted warriors like you, to “live your ideals, live your calling and change the world.”