“It is not easy to keep silent when silence is a lie.”
― Victor Hugo

Conflict management has been one of the biggest struggles of my life.

Until a few years ago, I just didn’t know how to address conflict. There were several recurring patterns that I needed to break and for the longest time, I did not have the tools, skills or even vocabulary to address them.

So, scenarios repeated over and over again and I kept missing the lessons.

I would get close to someone. Then, inevitably get blindsided by insensitive comments, underminings,  exclusion, betrayals and outright shamings from supposed close friend(s).

Being a recovering friendly loner, solitude is my sanctuary when faced with conflict.

My solution was to withdraw or keep people at arms’ length. For some reason, I never felt safe or grounded enough in relationships to confront loved ones.

I would keep silent,  thinking I was being too sensitive. I would spend a lot of time processing my feelings, ruminate some more…

I was constantly looking for lessons, trying to figure out what I could do differently or how to respond with grace and kindness, wondering if I was just making it all up…

I would take it and take it…

During my time “processing”, something is actually happening to the relationship in question. It deteriorates. As I spend time figuring out what is going on, I am actually withdrawing without realizing it. By the time I get back to civilization, there is a huge gulf in the relationship. At that time, I usually have to confront or let go of the relationship.

… until I couldn’t take it anymore.

Shut down.

It’s as if an invisible line, even unbeknownst to me, would be crossed, and my guard would slam shut… No access. Not even to me.

At which point, the person in question, is blindsided and shocked. And then you realize the person has been oblivious to the whole thing.

For many years, this pattern repeated over and over again

Groundhog’s day.

Then, I began cultivating Wholeheartedness and also recommitted to my spirituality. Since I decided to live my ideals and embrace wholeheartedness, a major mental and emotional shift has happened in me. I began to see myself and my relationships differently. It was time to grow into the woman I wanted to become.

For the first time in my life, I no longer simmer in silence when I need to address something. I still take the time to think, even pray through the concerns. But I do address them now. I still make mistakes but I am committed to the practice.

New skills, baby steps, many falls… But I show up again and again.

Resentment is eating poison expecting someone else to die. I believe that when we don’t address conflict, even when we don’t feel angry, a film of resentment covers our eyes. And everything this person does is seen through that filter.

Think about it.

When someone annoys you, everything they do is seen through that filter of annoyance. In your head you are thinking of all the things they are doing ‘on purpose to annoy you’ when that person has no idea about the impact they are having on you.

I have learned that people are mostly oblivious. No one is thinking about you like you think they are. Everyone is thinking about themselves and stuck in their heads, just like you. So, it is up to you to be honest about your grievances… say ” hey, this hurt me, or ” “No, I don’t want that”.

“I meant what I said and I said what I meant.” – Dr. Seuss

People-pleasing is an epidemic. No one wants to be disliked. But this means that “white lies” are tossed around so often, we can no longer tell who is really being honest.

Being honest does not mean being brutal. Compassion has to be in the room. Like I said, most times, people are oblivious to what they have done.

I understand that most times silence is preferred because we don’t want to ruffle feathers, we don’t want to hurt anyone. But silence is hurtful. You hurt yourself by holding the conflict inside.

Resentment is poison – even when unacknowledged. You are robbed of personal power when you hold things in.

That is not to say that it will be all flowers and butterflies when you confront someone who has hurt you. You risk triggering someone’s insecurities when you confront them.

I have experienced outbursts and full blown arguments that arose from a simple loving confrontation.

But.

Festering sores can kill.  Don’t let them kill your relationships.

Like an infected wound or a ruptured appendix, you still need to open things up, clean them out and allow the healing to commence.

Shame breeds in silence. The last thing you need when you have been hurt  is to stay silent.
Life can be hard. It takes a lot of courage to tell the truth. But you can rest easy knowing that you have  expressed yourself honestly with grace and dignity.

“We are all travelers in the wilderness of this world, and the best we can find in our travels is an honest friend.”
― Robert Louis Stevenson
Being yourself with someone is sacred. Keep that space sacred and uncontaminated by resentment. Your heart will thank you for it.

Share your story only with those who have earned the right to hear it. You  deserve wholehearted friends. You deserve love and respect. But it starts with you.

By all means, if the relationship is chronically toxic, let it go.

But if the relationship is worth saving, let wholeheartedness and courage be your guides as you practice honesty.

You deserve it.

Practicing Honesty

1. In what ways have you allowed silence to rob you of relationships?

2. How has resentment poisoned your life?

3. Think of a current relationship.  What would practicing honesty look like for you?

4. What consequences of honesty have you been afraid of?

5. To whom can you turn for support in cultivating honesty?

6. What patterns do you need to break today?

7. What difficult conversations have you been postponing?

Love and respect yourself. Start by expressing yourself honestly.  Leave your comments below. See you next time!

Yvonne Whitelaw writes for Yvonnewhitelaw.com where she blogs about her quest to grow into her ideals in her “Live Your Ideals Project”. By sharing her lessons along the way (every Monday and Thursday), she hopes to serve and inspire a tribe of wholehearted warriors like you, to “live your ideals, live your calling and change the world.”